An essential skill for sponsors, and any catechumenate team member, is the ability to actively listen. Active listening is different than hearing. An active listener succeeds in hearing not only the words another person is saying but also understanding the meaning of the words from the speaker’s point of view. Active listening is not a difficult skill to describe, but it is difficult to master. The difficult part is developing the discipline to suspend our own world view for the five minutes it takes to listen to someone else. There are three steps to active listening:

1. Feedback and verification
2. Clarifying
3. Affirming and validating

Feedback and verification

Here’s an example of hearing without listening actively:

Seeker: “I’m not sure God really cares about me.”

Me: “Of course God cares about you. God loves you!”

In my world view, God loves each of us beyond all imagining. A seeker or a catechumen may not have learned that yet. By correcting the seeker’s statement, I’m offering a subtle judgment and not deeply listening to what the seeker is saying. The first key to active listening is feedback and verification. If you aren’t used to feeding back what the speaker has told you, it can seem stilted at first. Try it anyway.

Seeker: “I’m not sure God really cares about me.”

Me: “It sounds like you’re not sure about God’s care for you. Is that right?”

Clarifying

Now, in my world view, that sounds nuts. How could anyone with eyes and ears not know God’s amazing love? But my goal right now is not to assert my point of view. It is to understand what the speaker is trying to communicate. The second key to active listening is asking clarifying questions. We don’t have to agree with the speaker. We simply have to get clear enough so we understand why the speaker’s statement makes sense to him or her.

Seeker: “I’m not sure God really cares about me.”

Me: “It sounds like you’re not sure about God’s care for you. Is that right?”

Seeker: “Yeah, all the folks in the group talk about how God is so loving, but I don’t feel it.”

Me: [confused] “Can you say more about that? I’m not sure I understand what you mean by not feeling it.”

Affirming and validating

An active listener needs to ask as many clarifying questions as necessary until the speaker’s reasons for his or her beliefs are evident. Once we get why the speaker thinks that way, we need to say so. This is an essential step that often gets lost. The third key to active listening is affirming the speaker’s point of view.

Seeker: “I’m not sure God really cares about me.”

Me: “It sounds like you’re not sure about God’s care for you. Is that right?”

Seeker: “Yeah, all the folks in the group talk about how God is so loving, but I don’t feel it.”

Me: [confused] “Can you say more about that? I’m not sure I understand what you mean by not feeling it.”

Seeker: “Well, I lost my job a couple of months ago, and I haven’t been able to find a new one. My wife and I are fighting more, and money is really tight. I’m worried we might lose our house if things don’t turn around soon. If God cares about me, why doesn’t he fix all this?”

Me: [aha moment] “So if I’m hearing you, you have been out of work a long time. Your financial situation is causing stress in your marriage, and you are worried about losing your home. You think God should fix all this, and he hasn’t. Given all that, it totally makes sense why you wonder if God cares about you.”

Note that we don’t have to agree with the speaker’s conclusion. We need to ask ourselves, given how the speaker sees things, is the conclusion reasonable? If we understand why he or she came to a given conclusion, we only need to affirm that the conclusion makes sense to the speaker. In this example, helping the seeker learn to see God’s love, even in the midst of adversity, is a different agenda and a different skill. The first step is to actively listen to what the person is saying in a way he or she feels affirmed and validated.

Click here for an exercise in active listening posted by the Center for Rural Studies.